2017 Welcome
Yo, it's me. I'm the dude. I can rap rhymes that are rly rude. and yeh that's rude as in good, yeh, not just rude like "uncouth" Mikey streets be the one to give the drum a strum? I don't know where to go, cos as a boy I'm rly dumb Let me be me, please? I know it annoys you to have me getting attention after all the pain I've caused you. And that it makes you angry and want to hurt me. Can you please just let me know how to move forward without stepping on your toes? I need attention, serious attention. And you guys pushing me further into the ground is really brutal. I never imagined anyone could ever want to hurt me this badly, least of all my "best friend". It's time for you to choose. Do you want to kill me? or do you want to let me be me? The bullet or the chapstick? The truth is that deep down you know it's not an act. The first time she ever met me was as a girl. My 21st, my proto- coming out ball. An hxc drag fest or dudes in skirts moshing. And one girl-dude on the stage singing her heart out, and out of time. Never had much of an ear for rhythm... or tone... The musical lead who can't even sing a scale. But gives the acting 150% and the crowd sympathises with this lovable goofball. Only... that image sticks. And people don't realise that the "lovable goofball" is a desexualised and gender punitive identity. It diminishes the femininity of AMAB people to a mere novelty - rather than their core identity. This is why these people cannot accept trans women as anything more than "gender confused". Or intentionally delusional. Escapists. Running from their past. I imagine that's how you see me. What you don't realise is that I took off '''the mask. Not you. The mask was the one who led me to normalise what I did. But '''I am the one who makes the decisions. It's me, Virgo, who did what I did. Not Taur. Taur pushed me into the corner, an intersection of horny teenager, delusional optimist and self-loathing autist, who experiences misogyny as cultural repulsion to her weaker traits. Trans-misogyny. It's living in a body that is glorified by the misogynists, but having an identity that is constantly being devalued. It's living in a world that praises you for acting in line with cultural values. But these cultural values are polygamous and chaotic, bonding and compromising under each other's influence. No absolute values. If you are born into one culture, then you can reason yourself into believing there are absolute values. but if you're mixed, you have constant clashes of values, you form no consistent moral identity. Morally flexible. And you have to be... especially if you're raised in a third culture. Then, you become the only expert on the matter. Mum and Dad don't know anything, they're both too one-sided to see straight, so you're forced to define your own boundaries, unless your parents find a stable compromise (ha!). Third culture kids are susceptible to become products of their environment in ways they aren't conscious of, because they become so over-focussed on their own identity within the culture and sense of belonging that they don't ever question the values of the culture itself. I never thought about whether the values I was learning about sex were healthy. All I knew was that they were some of the most exciting and addictive feelings there were. Not just physiologically, but even socially. It was infectious. Being the kid who has access to sex-related content in primary school is like being a mafia boss. It doesn't matter if the other kids are more "popular", because you're the other side of the coin. The undesirable, but necessary facts of life. They might be smarter and prettier than you but you're wiser and sexier than them because you have the light and the dark. ...anyway, as you can see I don't really question what I am doing as I'm doing it. This requires you to think like an executive, "executive functioning" they call it. You need to be rational. People who meet so-called "high-functioning" autists like myself (hi-intensity is more accurate) early on would instinctively see us as very rational. But anyone who knows me well realises this isn't always what it seems. Many of us are not rational, but logical. We appear rational, because we know that logically if a lot of other people are rational and they are doing something one way, then mimicking those people is a logical way to not make mistakes. And "not making mistakes" is seen as a logical thing to do. The problem is that mistakes are how humans emotionally develop. By being obsessive hyper-perfectionists, "high-intensity" autistic people become developmentally stunted. We are not intellectually disabled. We are emotionally '''disabled. If you define emotions as moments to process our memories into thoughts. We don't take those moments. At least I don't. We spend our lives at high anxiety. Then there's the lo-intensity types. In my mind this is the typical "male" autist, regardless of assigned sex at birth. They tend to be comfortable in their identity and focus on their routines and improving their comfort. The more commonly manic state of hi-intesity that the world likes to imagine as "mild" autism, is actually the more intense. Because we never form the same routines or take the time to develop identity in the same ways. We become frozen in the identities that we carve out in the culture we find ourselves. Whether you are born into the dominant culture or a sub-dominant sub-culture affects how your gender forms certainly. It's unlikely for non-dominant autists to ever penetrate the inner circle of social hierarchies, but I tried. I spent all of my emotional energy fighting against this apparent "fact". All of high school, I tried to prove I was different, that I was more than just a socially inept nerd. That underneath it, I've always been an aspergirl, not an aspie boy. But no one wanted the girl, they all wanted me as a boy. And soon they were bidding on my virginity cos being black had suddenly turned from a turn-off to a big turn-on. and blablabla, my feelings, waaawaaawaa. I know no one wants to hear this, but I just need to say it all, because it's fucked that my voice is being erased here and you are trying to make everyone see me as one action. One action that I recognised and took responsibility for. And tried to do everything I can to not only make amends in my own life, but to also spread my lesson to as many people as I can. I'm sorry that it seemed hypocritical to you. but I saw it as hypocrisy to '''not spread what I was learning. Considering the kind of guys I've grown up with, and the culture we were fed. American Pie and Online Sex Games. Objectified women were the majority of real women we ever saw. No one chooses to objectify women, no good hearted person anyway. But it becomes internalised. Especially if you don't know how to relate to 99% of people in the first place. Without theory of mind, it's hard to not see people as simplified versions of themselves. And you can't say you don't do the same. whether along racial lines and your sexualisation of certain races. Whether it's "positive" or not, it reduces people to objects. People refuse to recognise why this is violence. Objectification is always violence, because it exerts cultural pressure between groups that diminishes their full personhood. It is a force of oppression. I had normalised it, because I had normalised it on myself. Objectification is the feeling of becoming a 2-dimensional character in someone's eyes, or the eyes of a culture (male, white, heterosexuals, etc.). Certain cultures objectify others more, in order to simplify their internal cultural narrative. Privilege can only be upheld when the dominant group is kept unconscious. Guilt is the enemy of hierarchy. Privilege must always be justified on structural grounds, whether they use pseudo-biology or pseudo-psychology, they are always trying to uphold the divisions that prevent the dilution of privileged traditions. As you can tell, I over-share when I write and I'm sure that makes you angry and you probably stopped reading this. But just be conscious of your hatred of me, spilling into a hatred of things I can't control. You like to put me into a 2-dimensional box so you can hate me as a person, without accepting the full dimensionality of me. My full personhood. That is why what you are doing is violence. And I have a right to defend myself. I have the right to be myself! Please, hate me all you like. But let me be me. let me find who that is. without you continuing to pin my to the person I was 4 years ago. a person you helped create, unknowingly. You assumed that I was conscious. Always assuming I was intentionally not growing up. Somehow aceing school and uni, but incapable of drinking a glass of water without knocking it over at some point. You know what you are doing, but you can't stomach it, because of the guilt. I don't blame you. You don't have to feel guilty, but you need to stop. I give you the benefit of the doubt for before. But now, if you continue to try to invalidate my personhood, it will be seen as vigilanteism and I will begin to counter with invalidations of you two on your white horses. I will share the true details of why you both hate me. Even the ones you haven't emotionally acknowledged yourselves. I don't want to do that. I have caused you enough trouble and pain and I never intended to, I was just selfish and self-destructive, a toxic combination. If you want me to be toxic, you have the power to force me into that corner, but I'm never going to be your toxic male. You can't corner me back into a gender that was never mine. This is violence. I don't care what you think I am. You cannot exert this sort of force on a person based on your own interpretation of their actions. You are using your axis of privilege to exert inordinate cultural force to extinguish me as a person, out of hatred that no one else wanted. And I know now where that hatred comes from Jamie... and I'm sorry that I didn't ever realise what was going on with you.. I think I closed my eyes to it intentionally at one stage and then just ... selfishly moved on. Assuming you would too. But this is paranthetical Summary This was meant to be a welcome page to my 2017 page. but now it's verbal vomit. Welcome to my mind. :) I hope this actually does something positive. Category:2017 Journals Category:Journal Category:Journals